Relationship broken up? Ten Top Tips for managing a separation
If your holiday has been marred by hissing rows and arguments between you and your partner while trying to make the best of it for the kids, then you’re not alone.
Holidays are often the final straw for failing relationships and January always sees a spike in couples making the decision to formally separate. Tom Quail, WJM’s family law expert, gives his top ten tips for managing the immediate aftermath of a separation.
- Keep it Civil. you may decide you hate each other, you may want to do something evil with the Christmas presents you were given but keeping it civil – however much you don’t want to – helps make the process easier all round. And if you have children, keeping it civil helps them, and you, cope better with the separation.
- Don’t Kid the Children. However much you think you’ve kept things under wraps, your children will know something is wrong. Children often try to take the blame for your separation on themselves, which can lead to problems later on. Reassure them that you love them and they will continue to see both parents but, if your separation is final, don’t give them false hope you’ll get back together again.
- Put the Children First: Your separation is a blow to you but it’s devastating to your children. You need to protect them from your adult arguments while reassuring them of your love. Children are also intensely practical – they want to know where they will live, where they will go to school and when they will see you.
- Be Practical. It’s the mundane, everyday things you’ll need to sort out first. Money coming in to one household might not stretch to two households so you’ll need to think through all the consequences of separation on your finances.
- Take Your Time. You didn’t rush into your partnership. You took your time to decide whether your partner was ‘the right one’ for you. You made compromises. What you do now will never be wholly right and the decisions you make now aren’t set in stone. Take time to think through all your decisions and decide where you are, and aren’t, prepared to compromise.
- Be Careful with Money. Making a generous offer to a former partner can make you feel better but you’ll need to make sure you still have enough to live on – not just now but in the future too.
- Know your Money Needs. In your haste to get away, don’t lose out. If you know how much you need to live on, and don’t underestimate the cost of setting up a separate home, then you’ll be in a stronger position to assess any offers made to you.
- Keep Talking: Couples who achieve the ‘best’ separations keep talking to each other in some way. Depending on personal circumstances, they may use mediation or collaboration to make the process of separation easier.
- Be Flexible: If your partner suggests an alternative process to going to court, be prepared to listen and then to try the process. Going to court can be confrontational, long-drawn out and expensive; alternative processes such as mediation, collaboration, negotiation and arbitration can be less stressful and give a better solution all round.
- Know Your Rights. Scottish law gives rights to long term co-habiting couples as well as married couples and couples in civil partnerships. If you know your rights you are better placed to understand the processes and procedures used to formalise a separation, whether or not it leads to a divorce.
Of course, if you can’t agree or there are substantial family or business assets in the mix, then you’ll need expert advice and that’s where we come in.
Using the most appropriate methods – it could be collaboration, mediation or court action – we help you deal with the complex issues surrounding your family. We’ll work with you to identify solutions to resolve issues and protect your own interests and those of your children.
Tom Quail can be contacted through tlq@wjm.co.uk
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